My mother used to always tell me that I acted differently around my friends than I did around her. "You aren't as relaxed," she'd say. "You sound more formal in the way you use your words. Your mannerisms are more polite than they are when your friends aren't around." I always brushed off her words. I was myself with my friends, just as I was myself when I was around her. I didn't feel like I was acting any different. I didn't feel like I was more guarded, or careful, or polite. I was me, no matter who I was with.
When I began dating, her complaints got worse. "You aren't focused on anything but him when he's around. You want to spend all your time out here with us when he's here, but the moment he's gone you hide in your room." The complaints went on and on. And again I brushed them off. I was still myself, no matter who I was with. But I began to really pay attention to the way I was acting when I was around my parents, as compared to when I was just with my friends. I had trouble finding differences.
Now, years later, I was reminded of my mother's words when I was talking with a coworker one evening as we were closing the store we work at. I know her pretty well, and feel comfortable talking with her openly about all sorts of things in my life. We were discussing boyfriends and getting married and why some people shouldn't get married and how we wanted to make sure that someone we knew was getting married for the right reasons because we wanted to see the relationship last, etc, etc. I felt comfortable expressing my opinion to her, because we were friends. A moment later, though, another coworker came up and joined the conversation. I have a much closer relationship with him, and when the girl I was originally talking to stepped away, I found I felt comfortable enough around my friend to express my opinion in even more depth. Before long our abstract conversation about other people turned into a conversation about ourselves, and we opened up about things happening in our personal lives that we did not feel comfortable enough discussing while the other coworker was there.
In thinking back on it, I believe that it's not that I act differently around different people, but that I feel comfortable exposing different layers of myself to different people. With those people I know very well, I feel comfortable telling all my secrets and expressing all my concerns, where when I'm with people I have just met, I feel less inclined to discuss matters of deep concern to me. I watch what I say more closely. I open up to them slowly.
I think a lot of people act that way. More reserved, more careful. We have to learn to trust the people we talk to before revealing to them our deepest, darkest secrets. Otherwise, what would distinguish our acquaintances from our friends, our friends from our best friends, and our best friends from our family?
